Hi,
If my maths is still o.k. you have just turned 61 years of age. If you '
have had a lot of trauma and crisis throughout my life' and you have got through it all to still be here to celebrate another birthday, I'd say you have shown the
internal stamina for which Capricorn is renowned. It's the sign that does not give in to adversity, it's the rod in the back, the ability to 'turn to stone' to 'self protect' and stand one's ground in difficult situations, no matter how hard they may be or the hardship they bring. It can go that extra mile because defeat is not part of its vocabulary. Even with the pseudonym you have chosen for yourself, you may not recognise such inner strength in yourself but its been there when the necessity for it was present.
The blue lines in a chart are what are called 'inherent' qualities. It shows the possession of a very strong power of obsessive will, which does not always mean having/getting one's own way. It's then that the (in)flexibility of Moon feelings in Gemini kick in and Moon can make life 'feel' uneasy. Gemini is a sign that works through the mental application those feelings apply to situations. Capricorn, however is an Earth-based sign; the 'It is as it is' factor. When Sun and Moon are in a strained aspect with each other as in your chart, how one's mental feelings look towards situations may not agree with what is actually occuring. Add that Moon also forms a strained aspect to Neptune, the planet of sensitivity that can dissolve one's sense of reality to live in a dream world of irreality, and the Capricorn Sun has its work cut out for it to keep one grounded in the physical world. Otherwise, eventual consequences can cause harm which, if one were to think about it (Mercury), one actually brings upon itself.
It's the red lines in a chart, of which there are many, that can cause friction within one's self because they denote the challenges in life one finds one's self up against. Is a person assertive enough to meet those hurdles? Mars is the productive energy of that function. In the firey sign Leo, it can work very creatively in itself, yet its motor that provides that energy does not appear to be as strong as it should be( retrograde). It works inwardly, possible aggressively creating a lot of inner anger which would need to be controlled to work properly. In a positive sense, inspirational energy could work well in any 10th house business/creative career (ad)venture. In a female chart, Mars can be associated with 'male energy'; i.e. the role men play in one's life, whereby one's personal energy for one's self is set aside (NOT very Mars' 'me first' nature!).
A major issue in recent years may be that as the Sun has moved forward approx. 1 degree per year, it is has been moving through Pisces for at least the last 15 of them and has recently crossed the 5th house cusp... the realm of life referring to children, the parent-child relationship, eventual romantic affairs, and one's creative talents. A problem with Pisces is that it inclines to make one feel to be a victim of its circumstances because it dissolve everything that a Capricorn Sun nature considers important; the public and/or professional status, the bricks and mortar of a secure home, the financial situations one encounters. OR the opening of one's eyes to see why it occured.
You said yourself
'I'm tired of it' . With the planet of transformation (Pluto) hovering over the S.N. in Capricorn, and with transit Neptune sextiling it (I am experiencing the same), you may find that you are tired of carrying old baggage of situations from the past around with you and the time has come to finally change your views about them and then, willingly,let them go. The past cannot be changed Only your way of feeling/thinking about it can do that in your approach towards them.
At least your experiences have opened your heart to the feeling experience that the N.N in Cancer carries within it. You still have many years ahead of you to embrace it.
