hello,
I have a problem with focusing on my PhD in Architecture. I am on my 4th final year but I will extend it for 1 or maybe 2 next years. The issue that I am facing now since maybe a year is that I feel like im too old for being a student and I do not have a good relationship with my PhD supervisor.I am 34 and I started my PhD journey in 2021 when I was 31. It was 4,5 almost 5 years after my Master Degree in Architecture. My decision was made because I wanted to expand my horizons and be a 'researcher' in a specific architectural topic. The problem is that I generally like architecture, I like to dig deep in designs, I like to draw, create, I like to be a designer, proactive person who imagines and then designs - either myself or at the office. But my architectural career at the university ( Bachelor and Master degree) was full os stress, anxiety and maybe trauma ( I do not want to use these big words so much but maybe its a traumatic experience). I was always scared, always in a rush. I wanted to live normally as other friends who studied different subjects but I couldn't even date normally or party just because as usually we had so much work at school. In my country the architectural reality looks completely different than abroad and architectural studies are mostly full of women, some men are present but its usually women who study architecture. I was very frustrated but I had great marks, and I went abroad twice for scholarships with working abroad. I was also a proactive student always busy with workshops, expanding horizons, willing to be the best and of course overworked. But when I was on my diploma year and started working at the professional firm all of my expectations and what I did at the academia faded away. As everyone I started working at the office as an assistant who needed to only copy paste some simple works as in architectural memes all over internet. This office was very prestigious but slow in upgrading anything so I changed it. I went then to the other office which was the same in atmosphere- sophisticated, known in the field but not willing to make any changes in structure- either project structure or in person structure. I have learnt a lot there and I am very grateful for the experience but working there I started to feel suffocated, only surrounded by technical aspects, and civil engeenering not creativity and 'architecture'. For 5 years we did not even go for a drink or a beer with those people. Everything was tense, people were stressed out only focused on themselves and their lives. But they were great professionals.
Meantime I started being interested in film industry and architecture in this field as stage design or production design. I had many opportunities ( which I used of course) to be a part of students film etudes and crews and working on short films. Those experiences made me realise that maybe I was not a 9-5 office person because I operated better in a movement on set and in architectural preparations of set design, decorations for films sets rather than working on copy paste and Word and Excel works at the office.
This was a very deep scar in my mind that lasted for many years because I started to realise maybe I am not THIS type of a designer everyone thinks about. I went for PhD and I wanted to combine film and architecture in my research. The problem is that since the beginning I had a problem with my supervisor. And it is not that I ALWAYS complain and see only bad sides. I applied for a university in other city and they accepted me in 1st round saying my research would be very interesting. I was still working then at the office and started doing PhD. The issue was that first years of phd converted me mentally for being a student and I needed to change my working agreement for 3/4 full time because I had classes at university. It was a problem for me because I thought I would only needed to work on my thesis with my supervisor and I could work at the office. Last year I decided to leave the office because I felt bad and stressed there and other reasons occurred I don't wanna talk about it here. But my Phd even thought is in the field I really love - film and architecture- is not done yet and is not touched since maybe 8 months. After I left the office I needed to work because the PhD scholarship is very low in Poland so you need to work normally to provide for yourself. Its not as in other countries that PhD students work at academia. My supervisor never offered me even a small job at the faculty. No-one from my PhD friends works at academia because there are no vacant places. They work in profession doing Phd as a side hustle.
Last year I started working in film industry professionally. I wanted to combine this film world and architectural theory and design with my Phd. I succeeded. Its what I want to do now. I am very eager to work in film industry and even now a few months after the last project finished- I was offered the second project- I am proud of myself I do it smoothly now because I know with my architectural background I can do more things even technical works , than other people. I am very excited, every day is a new experience to me.
But this situation is not met with understanding with my PhD supervisor. He is not very keen on the fact I work. Generally he wants me to only focus on PhD and be only present and available to him. I had many quarrels with him about it and I think its also because my age. Sometimes I do not know if it was a good idea to apply for PhD. He as my supervisor does not support me or even offer me anything, any path for development and future career. Everything I did in the last years regading my PhD was because of me and my Ideas. I feel tired, exhausted. I can not focus on my PhD since many months and its not because of working in film industry. This idea doesn't meet with his understanding. I really do not know why. I do not wanna lose my PhD and I do not wanna escape from that world. I wanna be architect- film production designer who also can design and project for private clients. Everything is possible and I know many production designers who work in other academias as architects and other artists. I thought that this possibility of being academic in my career would open many doors for me for my career but its always me who searches opportunities outside academia. This is so weird and it looks like I do not need a PhD in my life regarding career.
I really wish this unsure time would finish. What do you see in my chart?
I have a problem with focusing on my PhD in Architecture. I am on my 4th final year but I will extend it for 1 or maybe 2 next years. The issue that I am facing now since maybe a year is that I feel like im too old for being a student and I do not have a good relationship with my PhD supervisor.I am 34 and I started my PhD journey in 2021 when I was 31. It was 4,5 almost 5 years after my Master Degree in Architecture. My decision was made because I wanted to expand my horizons and be a 'researcher' in a specific architectural topic. The problem is that I generally like architecture, I like to dig deep in designs, I like to draw, create, I like to be a designer, proactive person who imagines and then designs - either myself or at the office. But my architectural career at the university ( Bachelor and Master degree) was full os stress, anxiety and maybe trauma ( I do not want to use these big words so much but maybe its a traumatic experience). I was always scared, always in a rush. I wanted to live normally as other friends who studied different subjects but I couldn't even date normally or party just because as usually we had so much work at school. In my country the architectural reality looks completely different than abroad and architectural studies are mostly full of women, some men are present but its usually women who study architecture. I was very frustrated but I had great marks, and I went abroad twice for scholarships with working abroad. I was also a proactive student always busy with workshops, expanding horizons, willing to be the best and of course overworked. But when I was on my diploma year and started working at the professional firm all of my expectations and what I did at the academia faded away. As everyone I started working at the office as an assistant who needed to only copy paste some simple works as in architectural memes all over internet. This office was very prestigious but slow in upgrading anything so I changed it. I went then to the other office which was the same in atmosphere- sophisticated, known in the field but not willing to make any changes in structure- either project structure or in person structure. I have learnt a lot there and I am very grateful for the experience but working there I started to feel suffocated, only surrounded by technical aspects, and civil engeenering not creativity and 'architecture'. For 5 years we did not even go for a drink or a beer with those people. Everything was tense, people were stressed out only focused on themselves and their lives. But they were great professionals.
Meantime I started being interested in film industry and architecture in this field as stage design or production design. I had many opportunities ( which I used of course) to be a part of students film etudes and crews and working on short films. Those experiences made me realise that maybe I was not a 9-5 office person because I operated better in a movement on set and in architectural preparations of set design, decorations for films sets rather than working on copy paste and Word and Excel works at the office.
This was a very deep scar in my mind that lasted for many years because I started to realise maybe I am not THIS type of a designer everyone thinks about. I went for PhD and I wanted to combine film and architecture in my research. The problem is that since the beginning I had a problem with my supervisor. And it is not that I ALWAYS complain and see only bad sides. I applied for a university in other city and they accepted me in 1st round saying my research would be very interesting. I was still working then at the office and started doing PhD. The issue was that first years of phd converted me mentally for being a student and I needed to change my working agreement for 3/4 full time because I had classes at university. It was a problem for me because I thought I would only needed to work on my thesis with my supervisor and I could work at the office. Last year I decided to leave the office because I felt bad and stressed there and other reasons occurred I don't wanna talk about it here. But my Phd even thought is in the field I really love - film and architecture- is not done yet and is not touched since maybe 8 months. After I left the office I needed to work because the PhD scholarship is very low in Poland so you need to work normally to provide for yourself. Its not as in other countries that PhD students work at academia. My supervisor never offered me even a small job at the faculty. No-one from my PhD friends works at academia because there are no vacant places. They work in profession doing Phd as a side hustle.
Last year I started working in film industry professionally. I wanted to combine this film world and architectural theory and design with my Phd. I succeeded. Its what I want to do now. I am very eager to work in film industry and even now a few months after the last project finished- I was offered the second project- I am proud of myself I do it smoothly now because I know with my architectural background I can do more things even technical works , than other people. I am very excited, every day is a new experience to me.
But this situation is not met with understanding with my PhD supervisor. He is not very keen on the fact I work. Generally he wants me to only focus on PhD and be only present and available to him. I had many quarrels with him about it and I think its also because my age. Sometimes I do not know if it was a good idea to apply for PhD. He as my supervisor does not support me or even offer me anything, any path for development and future career. Everything I did in the last years regading my PhD was because of me and my Ideas. I feel tired, exhausted. I can not focus on my PhD since many months and its not because of working in film industry. This idea doesn't meet with his understanding. I really do not know why. I do not wanna lose my PhD and I do not wanna escape from that world. I wanna be architect- film production designer who also can design and project for private clients. Everything is possible and I know many production designers who work in other academias as architects and other artists. I thought that this possibility of being academic in my career would open many doors for me for my career but its always me who searches opportunities outside academia. This is so weird and it looks like I do not need a PhD in my life regarding career.
I really wish this unsure time would finish. What do you see in my chart?
. As someone who was in a similar situation, it gets better I promise you. Don’t give up. Sending virtual hugs and well wishes.
